Thursday, January 10, 2013

Not Stopping for Directions

Focused pair vacant
Not Stopping for Directions
The mist is beading up on the windshield. My thoughts are not interrupted on the timed swish, swish, swish of the wiper blades.  It is easy to get hypnotized when driving. I can’t be focused on the wipers.  The weather has been constantly changing between hot and cool temps and sunny to overcast.  It has been threatening rain all day, but only fog and drizzle so far.

When I started driving a month ago, I let go of everything.  There is me, this car and where ever I can drive. It’s odd to be this vacant.  I feel as if the person I was before, left and now there is this vastness I can’t get enough of.  This car isn’t my cocoon keeping me from the rest of the world, instead it is taking me deeper into this space that is gigantic and I want it to absorb me.  I have a real problem.  I want to obsess over something and I have nothing to obsess over. 
During the day, I listen to the radio as I drive.  It takes me back to my childhood, when we didn’t have a television and the radio was ever present.  I hope with all the technology that exists, radio won’t disappear.  Hours and days can pass without a word from my mouth to another human and it’s part of the experience.   Traveling without a destination is paired with exhilaration and fear.  I can’t explain what happened, all I know is that I surrendered.  I let go of everything I was in control of, got into my car and just kept driving.  The voices on the syndicated radio shows are the only thing constant in my life. 
I cannot decide if this is the last chance I have to live or the only choice I have.  

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