Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Not looking. Just stalking.

A little down time draws me to the single female pastime that we hate to admit… looking for “The” guy. The search is always very disappointing.  As a believer of magic I used expect when “the” guy is within my sight, all the stars will align and the clouds will part and a singular sunbeam will illuminate “the” guy and there will not be any question that he is “the” guy. 

"The" guy will not be able to see me because aparrently he does not believe in magic, and the universe will not part the clouds and put a brilliant sunbeam on me to show him where to find me on the planet.  No one since Jesus Christ has been fortunate enough to have a star lead other people to where they are on Earth, so maybe I am expecting too much.  

There are several obvious things about me that make me not very attractive to “the” guy so I doubt he will even see me without magic.  Number one, I have two marriages flushed down the toilet; Number two, I am over 40; Number three, I’m a horrible cook. 

These are facts.  How I know I'm not good at cooking - I've been doing it a long time and regard a cookbook as literature, not instructions.  For Easter the family asked me to bring a. jar. of. olives.  
A jar of olives.  That speaks volumes to how much they want to eat my cooking. Years past, they asked me to cook things like potato salad, deviled eggs, and green bean casserole.  A toddler with a little instruction can make these simple dishes.  I have not been asked to cook anything ever again.  I repeat, for Easter dinner I brought a jar of olives.  

If you or someone you know is looking for someone with these three of the top ten things about me, well here I am.  Numbers four through ten are reveiled if you know the magic words. Outside of my family, I've only known one guy who said them and we have a lot of knowledge to blackmail eachother. 

In the 1950’s there were seven things a woman needed to follow to keep a man.  Mental Floss Link

 Don’t talk. (Might as well stop reading here.  I talk.)

Bad cooking will drive your man to seedy saloons.  (I am a bad cook and these seedy saloons are where I am to meet “the” guy & he and I will be drinking buddies on a regular basis. AA will be the next place for me to meet “the” guy)

Be the hot steak, not the cheap pork. (Women are just pieces of meat- I’m aged beef. – that’s one for me!)

 Don’t be a sexual vampire or a frigid Franny. (I will have to stop introducing myself as Juicy Lucy (wait, is that a good name to attract vampires?)    

Pink panties are a must. (Is this an everyday thing?  Or once a week, three times?? When do I get to wear other colors? I should be glad this doesn’t read no panties.) 

 Let him have a little fun now and then. (Unlock the ball and chain?  No way! I learned that lesson not just with husband #1 but #2 also proved this should Never happen)

Your husband is the boss of you.  (Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa!!  I’m the bossy one.)

Two days ago (2015)  The came out with a list of how to keep a man. 

It’s a flimsy list:
1.      Wear high heels.  The higher the better. And a push up bra.  The higher the boobs the better.
2.      Wear only enough make-up that he thinks you are not wearing any, because he “says” he likes the natural look.  But please notice that the girls he notices- that are not you – ARE WEARING THE MOST MAKEUP. 
3.      Stand up to him, then give him whatever he wants. (This is 2015 parenting 101) 

Had a list of 5 ways: 
(or what I would like to have every guy on Earth do for a woman- Insert HER where it says him/ he and I'm fed up with guys who do not communicate and only resort to avoidance- saying nothing says a lot about you.- FYI)

1.      Give him space when he needs it.
2.      Do nice things for him.
3.      Respect him.
4.      Communicate your issues.
5.      Get it on more often.

I looked up how a guy should get a girlfriend and it made me nauseous.  
According to a guy, here are his ten things to get a girlfriend: (there is NO list of how to keep one)
1.      Decide your purpose.
2.      Go out and meet women.
3.      Be positive.
4.      Be her friend first.
5.      Be cocky, be funny.
6.      Get her number.
7.      Call her for a coffee date.
8.      Find the right place and time.
9.      Propose.
10.   Share how you got her with everyone.  Even if they don’t ask. 

Why this list would not work with me…  I don’t like jerks, I have plenty of friends, I don’t drink coffee, I will say no to no less than a thousand proposals and if you keep telling everyone our story, I will eventually see through the smoke and mirrors and realize I am too good for you and walk away. I've experienced this whole list.

These list make me tense. Many, many times I have discussed “the” guy with my friends. I hate these lists and as I said before, I’m over 40.  These lists are for amateurs.  I’ve been in the game a long time.  Perhaps I am at the age where I think of guys as old children that still need mothers, or men my age have three strikes against them too. 

People always like to ask me when I am getting married.  (Hello. Nice to meet you. My name is: I've been married- TWICE.) When I tell them the truth, that I’m not doing it again, they are disappointed, as if marriage will be the crown that makes me queen.  Believe me a look of disappointment is nothing compaired to the 15 years of disappointment that marriage gave me. I don’t need the guy that is a reflection on me, or defines my worth.   I will just be me, and I already hold the title of Queen.

I’m feeling a little hungry so I’m going to lunch.  “The” guy is probably out there in the world.  Good for him.  I wish him the best.  I’m not looking for him anymore. 



  1. be happy with yourself if someone happens to come along and fit your qualifications rather than his so much the better.

    1. I had one qualification. The sunbeam. Ah well, I am pretty happy :)

  2. I like the dry sense of humour this have to it really worth it or would a dog be easier and better company?

    1. Thanks. I traded husband # 2 for the dog and we are growing old together. I am not one of those people who is going to marry their dog. The way I see it we are already in a committed relationship without legal jargin that he can't read anyway.

  3. Sprightly and highly enjoyable. (Signed) "the" guy.

  4. 7. Call her for a coffee date.
    8. Find the right place and time.
    9. Propose.

    Holy cow, that's a big jump between #'s 7 and 9. Apparently finding the right place and time takes me between 2 and 5ish years?

    The jar of olives cracked me up, DP. You're the best. Wait, I'm supposed to be cocky? OK, I'M the best. But you're not bad ;-)

    1. That gap between is disturbing. Did you read the article?? I think it was lazy writing or his word count topped out or he writes fantasy????

      Thanks for the "Not bad" rating. :)